Conversations I'd like to have with people smarter than me. 4.

I've said it before and I'll say it now.

I'm not ashamed to say I believe in Jesus. I really have no problem loving and following someone with such genuine, good ideas and intentions. Who's afraid to mention they think Gandhi was great? Mother Theresa, even Oprah, and others considered radicals throughout our history. Most people won't hesitate to say the person of Jesus himself was great indeed.

It's not the message I'm ashamed of, not at all. If living a life proclaiming that I love and follow Jesus will allow me to love the people around me to the best of my ability, allow me to serve them humbly and with great care and gentility, I will gladly believe it until the day I die. If I will be purer of heart and mind, if my soul will swell at the simple chirping of the birds, or the triumphant yell of a fellow graduate, if just a plain hug will brighten my day this is the life I want to live.

True, I'm generally miserable. I spend about seventy percent of my time crying and the other thirty holding it back. But I don't really blame this on Jesus. Despite claims that we will be miserable if we follow him, that we will be persecuted and put down, argued against instead of for… despite all that I think his intentions of greater good, whether he be man or God, are worth living for.

The bible says all temptation is from the devil. God does not tempt us to do evil, I guess. I find this interesting. Does that mean all misery and wallowing could be from him too?

I think it is just the idea of a great, pure, genuine leader that really grabs at us. Think of how worked up people get throughout the voting process. We want a president who will lead us in the right direction, whatever direction that is. Even if they do certain things people don't agree with… like Clinton did… we will still admit that he was a better president than others and did more for our country because of his intentions and the way he acted upon them. Its action we look for.

Jesus took action. People who take action instead of sitting around and talking about things, thinking about things, reading and studying books day in and day out are the ones we want to follow. After all, even the fictional Dumbledore said, "It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live." But that's a different frustration altogether.

There are reasons characters in books and films are so admired. Neo, Dumbledore, Gandalf. Any leader who is selfless and wise is admired and adored above all else. And there is always merit in their words, no matter what the circumstance. No one is afraid to believe in Albus Dumbledore aside from those who fear him the most. Not one of those in the Fellowship question that Gandalf would abandon them, and everyone in Zion knows Neo will save their lives when Neo doesn't even know it himself. When Jesus died those women who first visited his tomb had faith in him still. It's because he took action, he really lived and did things, he was genuine, selfless, and worth all the trust and honesty and love that was directed towards him.

Were I in any of those situations, be it back in Jesus' time or in any number of fictional works, I would say the same thing: I am not ashamed to live a life for pure intentions. What I am ashamed of is living a life of deceit, of sitting on my ass forever, of dragging others down purely by association, and of doing things just plain wrong.

Dumbledore would be extremely disappointed if Harry just up and killed Malfoy without second thought. Or if he actually stood his ground and killed Bellatrix. She was evil herself, willing to destroy anyone in her path and probably deserving of death. But I think part of Harry's hesitation would have been upsetting such a lovely person as Dumbledore with an act that matched hers in filthiness. Just as part of my hesitation in being a jerk to others is that that's not at all what Jesus taught. Even without the dying on the cross piece, the salvation of humanity and all that, I have that nag in the back of my mind telling me that I'm not being noble or helpful at all. That Jesus, or someone like him, would be extremely disappointed.

I don't know. I guess I don't want to disappoint anyone by believing what I believe in the wrong places. By this, I mean, I don't want to disappoint my gay friends because I love them just by declaring that I love Jesus. Because I know how I personally feel about it, it doesn't mean they understand that I'm not like the rest of those who call themselves "Christians". I don't want to disappoint my friends when I let them down, or crap out on them, yet call myself a lover of Christ. I don't want the wrong impressions to be given by the "group" that's associated by my beliefs.

I'm just ashamed of the horrible things that have been done to people's hearts in the name of the exact same person I believe in. His doctrine is so pure… I hate seeing it so corrupted. It makes me not want to be a part of it at all. I want to create my own little world where I love Jesus and act in the ways I believe he wants me to, but nothing like the institution of Christianity we have today. It just reminds me of Martin Luther, his Theses that he nailed to the doors of churches. He was fed up with the way things were being run, he was probably pretty ashamed of the way the church was acting in the name of the God he loved. Its not a new thing to disprove of the way things are, to love the core of it but not the many branches created around it.

Sure, in his time it was money and indulgences and the selling of assurances the Pope could never rightfully give… but there are equal disturbances in our time. Certain things we do that may not be bought and sold like they were then, but are lies told to assure the mind and soul that this is right. That the harder we try, the more we raise our hands, the louder we speak in "tongues", the further we press ourselves onto other people with tracts and bullhorns, the more assured we are that we're doing what is good and right in the name of the Lord.

I guess it just blows my mind that there were ninety five things he had to nail to their doors. And he probably had to cut himself short.

These ones really get me, "It is said that even St. Peter, if he were now Pope, could not bestow greater graces; this is blasphemy against St. Peter and against the Pope."

"The bishops, curates and theologians who allow such talk to be spread among the people, will have an account to render"

"Christians are to be exhorted that they be diligent in following Christ, their Head, through penalties, deaths, and hell;

And thus be confident of entering into heaven rather through many tribulations, than through the assurance of peace."

And... I've run out of steam. I guess that's my conclusion. The End.