Gentleness.

“Gentle: Tender and amiable; of a considerate or kindly disposition; Soft and mild rather than hard or severe; Docile and easily managed; Gradual rather than steep or sudden; Polite and respectful rather than rude”

So a theme in my life lately has been gentleness. I constantly think about being gentle. In my actions, speech, and even just some of my learned mannerisms.

It started with like… I don’t know. Something I was doing. I think it was even just zipping something up. The zipper was stuck and instead of forcing it I thought I should take it easy. I slowly zipped it and it worked.

Also, playing Shadow of the Colossus on PS2. We don’t have a memory card so when I’m done playing I just start over from the beginning again. Instead of letting myself get frustrated, having to beat the same bosses over and over, I’ve taken to slowly and methodically just using the skills I’ve learned from repetition to make it easier.

Even Super Smash Bros. Everything is so fast paced and I lose so often, I started just concentrating on what moves I can do and taking it slow, …gently beating the crap out of everyone else, haha.

But really, “soft and mild”, “docile”, “polite and respectful”. There’s a lot more that comes to mind when I think of gentle other than a picture of a soft kitten or the usual mental pictures.

A few weeks ago I started really thinking about it with Peter. I need to be gentle with him. I dump so many of my emotions and problems on him, and in an email to me he suggested I don’t put so high of expectations on him. I don’t try to, but I guess subconsciously I do expect something in return when I put so much on him. But I’ve started being gentler, thinking about what I’m saying, formulating and voicing my questions/opinions/comments… even my jokes (cause I am so awkward and some of those backfire majorly)… before saying them. Because I don’t know how else to care for him--or other friends I talk to a lot--other than being conscious about that stuff.

Same with Amanda. I’ve been trying really hard to be super gentle with her, especially given my recent bouts of jealousy and frustration. I just need to breathe, let the jealousy come and take it in stride. Because I know its never her own fault that I’m jealous of something. Just like its never Peter’s fault that he doesn’t know what I need or how much I really appreciate him and care about him.

I’ve been trying to be gentle with Mike. Even though he could never have any way of knowing that. I’m trying to be gentle, not too incredibly intense with my feelings about it anymore. Because the more intense I get, the more desperate, the more despairing, etc. It escalates and I become a mess. I’m not saying that doesn’t happen… it happened just yesterday, it happened this morning, but I’m trying to be careful and take it a little slower. To really examine things and understand what he must be feeling… instead of expecting the worst and reacting to it even though I have no idea what the reality of it is.

Here’s something I’m trying to moderate: I’ve been shaking and fearful ever since my car died. I have no problem riding the bus and my bike.. I’m all for going green, not spending money on gas, all that junk. I loved my CAR, not that it took me places. I just loved it.. a lot. I tear up about it. Jeez. But I’m trying really, really hard not to freak out about the bus. Because I’m going to have to ride certain routes and be in certain places that I know are in Mike’s path. I will have to be places I know he goes every day. I’ve heard Devlin and Hugh and Jason mention seeing him there all the time, I don’t want to run into him and my stomach is in knots right now just contemplating it.

Of course, I DO want to run into him, I really do. But I don’t because I would not be able to control myself. I’d probably just start bawling my eyes out and hyperventilating. And imagining his reaction to this… either confusion, disgust, or just leaving me there and running away… anything wouldn’t be good. Anything he might do would be something I want to avoid. And just thinking of being in that situation makes me mildly panicky.

So gentleness. It keeps happening. It’s the entire reason I decided to start getting up earlier and getting coffee before Tuesday staff meetings. Because I am not gentle when I’m grumpy. I’m either completely silent and have nothing to say whatsoever, or I don’t really censor myself and I’ve shot people down a few times. I don’t want either of those. I want to be in a semi-good mood, my thoughts working, I want to be deliberate and gentle in the way I voice things in staff meetings with Dave, Peter and Bobby. Because its something I do care about and want to be more alive for.

Plus, I’m so cynical and critical of everything that I really need to keep my thoughts on gentleness or it’ll all go downhill. I need to keep my thoughts focused on the good, focused on being kind or I’ll sit there and brood and be upset the whole time then bitch at Peter later. Which isn’t good either.

I think I’ve written “be gentle” on my notes every week. I write it on my hand (usually on Tuesdays and Sundays when its most needed). I keep it in mind because gentleness is key to a lot of other things. Like patience and kindness and understanding. They all go hand in hand. And I don’t want to be that bitchy girl who dumps all her junk on everyone else all the time, I want to be polite, respectful, considerate, kind and just plain gentle.