NaNoWriMojo.

I've decided to participate in NaNoWriMo. For certain. Because I can and will write 50k words in one month. Actually, I'm quite positive I've done it in the past. The only difference is that this won't be a silly narrative about my life, it will be a silly narrative about... something else. What exactly? I do not know. And really, although I've bounced ideas off the inner walls of my head I doubt I will know until I start writing on November 1st. Or perhaps I won't know until November 18th.

I've been reading blog upon blog upon blog. This one... well, its inadequate. I'm hoping that NaNoWriMo will help me discover my inner... writer. My inner organization. My style, my voice, my something. Something so I can revamp my blog, make it worthwhile and worth reading. Because I want to write about things that matter. And although they matter to me, I'd really like to write things worth reading too. Because are you a writer if you don't have an audience? Not really.

Don't musicians say something to the effect of: Our fans are a crucial part of the band? Yeah. It's like that.

Firstly, I think I'll mention WHY I've chosen to do this. Maybe I'll look back on this when I'm extremely frustrated or discouraged and remember there was good reason.
1. Discover what I am/what I can grow into as a writer.
2. Stay focused on something. Follow through. Focus is something I've lacked for... nearly a year now.
3. Have something to do for a month. Let myself imagine, wonder, trollop if you will through the wilderness that is my brain. And all the muddied thoughts will hopefully come together into.. something.
4. Be by myself and be OKAY. Just really find my spot, the place in my mind I'm comfortable and sit there for a while every day. About 2k words a day? Yup.

Now, in order to DO this.. I've got to prepare myself. I plan on:
- Finding a place I'm most comfortable with my laptop. Where I can sit, maybe pace, think, write, and be at ease. Most every situation makes me anxious/uncomfortable so I really need to find a real SPOT for this.
- Creating playlists. Music that will keep me energized, but also clear my thoughts. Maybe inspire me.
- Writing. Hand action; pen on paper. I think the actual ACT of writing, not typing, is something of importance and I don't do it nearly enough. Its much too easy to sit down right here and let my fingers find the keys.
- Learning. I think throughout October I'm going to read like a maniac. Well, I already do that, but moreso. I'm going to finish the books I'm into: Doubt: A History (Hecht), Utopia (Sir Thomas Moore), East of Eden (Steinbeck), Harry Potter 5 (Rowling). I think reading does wonderful things to the mind, and I'm going to read my little heart out, since I wont have as much time for it while I concentrate on writing.
- Learning (again). Reading blogs, interacting with people who are much better, more advanced, more learned, more intelligent people than I. Participating in write-ins and pre-NaNo junk. Taking this seriously and learning from as many people as I can.

And you know, I'm not adding this to the list (because it's not easily done), but I think.... I think I need to get my head out of the clouds in other aspects of my life in order to do this. I know, NaNoWriMo is a different experience for everyone, and I plan on making it a crucial one in my recovery. As a human being. As a very lost, hurt, confused person who really needs a good pick-me-up (the non-alcoholic kind). I have a feeling that having a drive, a real focus and concern with something new in my life will be important. I know something like this won't FIX me, but I'm certainly hoping it will give me some small source of enlightenment about something. About what? I don't know.

I've got to stop starting sentences with "and" and "but", etc. Maybe I should add a grammar book to my repertoire.

Because I am not at all good with conclusions (I have a lot to learn) I'll end here. End :)

EDIT: See, this is a perfect example of how my thoughts go all over the place. I meant to say THIS when I began writing the last time.

I'm thinking I should play to my strengths for the novel. Meaning.. what do I know?
Well, I know women. Obviously, because I am one. I know religion/spirituality because I have read many books and had personal experiences. I know friendship, I know love and loss, I know desperation and desire. I know I could write endlessly about a characters' thoughts but completely leave out actions in the process. I find that odd, but I think its in my nature.

I have high standards and ideals I want to live up to; I want to see others live up to. So far, this genre is sounding like a drama, with way too much romance for my liking. Do I go with that? Do I write based on my experience of writing in the past? Do I write based on all my current inspiration? That being: Loss, hurt, loneliness, etc. Or do I push myself past that, do I go into uncharted territory, search for emotions on the other end of the spectrum and ideals I wouldn't necessarily believe for myself?

These are all questions I have for when I begin writing.