I put a lot of thought into a lot of things, but very rarely do I voice any of that. Actually, I’d venture to say I never do actually voice all of what I want to say. I hold things inside me. Whether it be for fear of criticism, judgment, confrontation, or just the plain fact that I don’t think it’s something of enough importance to say.
Lately almost all I can think about in social situations is how I need to just shut up for a few. I feel like we’d be better off if we all just shut up. I think part of that is that I’m constantly uncomfortable, nervous, and anxious, so I know it has a lot to do with my own issues. I’d rather be with one or two people at a time, in a non-demanding situation, without feeling as though I’m in the spotlight or a speech is required of me. Because words don’t flow from me easily. I can’t think AND speak at the same time, which would be sooo useful. I have a hard time knowing when to interject myself into other conversations, or if my thought is even valid or on topic. But if we could just step back, take a look at our conversations and how they relate to our actions, etc, I think we’d take more time to be quiet.
And I think I’m just becoming more and more comfortable and content with silence. Silence, but still in a room with people. Or silence with a good friend. I think enjoying a great book with a friend at your side is as important as actually having those life-changing conversations. Silence amidst friends is significant.
Silence is not tense for me, its relaxation and that relief I’ve been searching for. Listening is a relief. It’s a break from my constant analysis of everything and everyone around me, my constant influx of thoughts zooming through my head as I try tirelessly to figure out if I am really, really living this life or if its all just a dream. But that’s just my side of things.
It’s difficult to talk about Jesus and the way his church is and what he would want. Its hard because I don’t think anyone really knows. I think we have the bible and some other forms of knowledge to help us, but overall its hard to say what we’re supposed to DO exactly as the body of Christ. We spread the message. Okay, good, but how? We have words to say, but not a real effective way to convey them. Effective in the sense that they are: Moving, radical, extraordinary, magnetic; relevant. Not effective in the way that the point is understood, cause I think if you tell a person “You need Jesus.” They hear you loud and clear. But that’s just hearing, and hearing is only the first tiny little step.
I admire Jesus’ leadership. I mean, I admire the fact that he was a leader (obviously, he’s God) but also just a man. He was personable, but also with some real, true draw to him that people couldn’t resist. (Not unlike great literary characters like Aragon, Gandalf, Dumbledore, Luke Skywalker, Aslan; any other nerdy examples one could think of). What was that draw? I don’t think any church has that type of draw that people can’t resist; no pastor is sought after like Jesus. Maybe sought after for different reasons (a new message, a strange idea, big theatrics, etc), but it was never the true, genuine stuff.
What gets me most of all, and leaves me in awe, is the simplicity. Jesus. That’s IT really. He was just.. Him. There wasn’t really much else to it. He said “Here I am, I love you, I’ll die for you” and it was so… beautifully simplistic. And it is beautiful. We’ve cluttered it as a church, as humans. The entire message, so twisted and contorted; there are so many new angles, so many injustices, so much hatred and disappointment and skepticism that there’s no WAY we can be as beautiful and simple and real as Jesus, not ever. That entire tension frustrates the hell outta me.
We can talk. We can discuss. We can turn ideas over in our minds, bounce things off of each other, continue thinking and dreaming and conversing week after month after year but we’ll never get close. My conjecture is that this is the fault of the bigger picture. It’s the fault of media, false images of perfection, idols, deception, hurt, anger, rejection (the list could go on); humanity in general has made it impossible to really SEE and understand the RAW nature of the way of Jesus. Because it is raw. Its clean cut, I think. It’s really easy to understand when it comes right down to it, but our minds are so full of “other” that “simple” is no longer in our vocabulary.
Okay, so the solution. There has to be one, right? We [magically, somehow] give up our false idols like celebrities and money and fashion and food and alcohol, cars, houses, material possessions, sports obsessions, technological must-haves; push them away until we’re unnecessarily living in the poverty millions of people experience every day. Is that really an answer? We.. knock down our church buildings and meet in each other’s houses? Force the government to outlaw religion so we begin to see something magical, mysterious and radical in believing again? That’s not the world we live in. We live in a world where we do get to have money, we get to practice what we’d like to, we get to meet in climate controlled buildings on Saturday/Sunday and enjoy our time as a body… that’s what we do.
That is what we do. And that’s where my thoughts end.
Motion City – Together We’ll Ring in the New Year
“I am often interrupted
or completely ignored,
but most of all I'm bored.
I'm trying to find out
if my words have any meaning.
Lackluster and full of contempt
when it always ends the same.”
Motion City – Can’t Finish What You Started
“I'm completely bored
With every single word
And nothing ever works
And this juvenile search
Is systematically revealing to me
That I need a new approach”
Motion City – L.G. Fraud
“I'm addicted to words and they're useless.”
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